While waiting for our orders this morning, I decided that I should be writing something down. I suppose the best use of my talents might be to record our experiences because I doubt any of my fellows can write.
You never realize just how heavy a book is until you have to lug it all over creation, and, of all the books I could have taken with me, this one? I suppose it makes sense, what with what I saw that day. Who am I kidding? I’m keep my notes and try not to get killed.
As I said earlier, I don’t think any of the others can even read. That really shouldn’t surprise me, but it only goes to show how much of an outsider I am in this group. All of the others appear like they belong in the army. As for myself, I’m pretty sure they all think I’m just a ‘scribe’. That’s alright, as it goes, but, as much as I’d just like to go on home and make sure the books are safe, I think Aluviel might have something to say about that.
Indeed, the longer I am here and the more I am made to feel out of sorts in this situation, the more the visions make sense. For example, we are, at least as I fall asleep here, leaderless–which is annoying and dangerous as can be. Yet, I know that Aluviel guides us, this rag-tag group. In the morning, I am sure that it will be worked out. Either way, I am content in the knowledge that, though unclear, my path is set before me.
Faith and fear, I’m almost certain now those are the boundaries of my life. And how aptly they played out today. To waken to such indescribable connection (is that the right word?) to Her and then, hours later, be smitten not by the claws of a troll but by its very appearance.
I do not know that I can describe in human words what it was like be touched by the divine. The living memory of Her appearance will stay with me for eternity. Somehow though, I know it won’t get any better or easier–well, indeed, that was Her message. Rather, I was promised that things will, indeed, get worse. And I will doubt, which, of course, a byproduct of fear. All that though cannot compare with the wonder, the power, the knowledge that all is good and right.
She showed me the power in my hand and gave me a glimpse of what I will become.
I have not shared this with my fellows. It did not seem for them just yet. Perhaps, in time, as our road becomes clearer, I will.
I found out quickly enough how weak my faith could be. As we traveled through the forest, a huge troll assaulted us and I simply froze. I am not too proud to admit it, but I simply stood there and peed my pants, hoping the beast would not see me. I am ashamed now to admit that I secretly hoped that it would snatch up the dwarf and make off with the poor fellow as a meal and leave me be. Such was the terror that swept away my faith.
I pray for the strength to put fear behind me.
Indeed, later on at the goblin cave, stuck behind the others as they hacked the foul little creatures, I asked Her to guide me. At first, all I could hear was “You’ll die, if you get involved in this fight,” and “let the real fighters do their work.” But soon, Her small voice assured me that no harm would come to me and I, with not even a scratch, slew my portion of the little devils.
Such is the fickle nature of faith and fear.
The others must think I’m completely crazy. I continually sulk like a spoiled child, yet, of all my comrades I am most in touch with the real reason for our mission. My books have been my only real companion on this trip. I have shunned the others, judged them, mistrusted them. Even my talks with the elf have been selfish and dishonest, though I would make it appear otherwise.
Vladimir asked me the other night about the gods. I must have disappointed him badly. I could see it in his eyes. He was looking to me for answers to his own troubles, whatever they may be, and I let my own doubts get the better of me. I could have given him comfort, but, instead, only increased his own private grief. There is no excuse for such a failure.
I am, after all, an ambassador of Aluviel, the One Who is With Us. Clearly, I have not represented Her in the manner She would expect. Yet, I will now turn myself to that task, turning toward the outward Light and leaving the inward Dark behind. Despite the hardships that surely await (and the ones we have already passed through), I now consciously dedicate myself to Her will. I gratefully embrace the anxiety of incertitude and, yet, find all the certainty in the fact that She has a plan and will never lead me astray.
Up until this point, the others have only seen my passion in battle, quietly pent up until the time to act is upon me. It is with confidence that I vow that my sword will strike down Her enemies with renewed fury.
I will walk with honor, faith and purpose from this point forward, Aluviel willing.